It's one thing for people to choose not to compliment you for your hard work and then it's another for people to just disregard it's existence.
So you ask, "What's been going on with your life?"
And before you jump the gun, no it isn't disappointment in those around me but in myself because lately i've been feeling that whatever I've been doing for others is never good enough. I'm disappointed not because I feel like I didn't do my best (because I did). Instead, disappointed that i'm stupid enough to let myself feel like this.
Sadly, as much as I like to try to psycho myself into not giving a shit about what others think, it's really really really not working out for me. I'm already so physically drained out because of dance and now as I sit here pouring out my feelings, I can't help but fight back these tears because I really feel that I'm honestly at the last stage of what I can do and offer. I'm unafraid to confess that I am at my peak.
I'm tired of trying so hard just to find myself back at ground zero.
Truth is, everyone's a critic yet no one ever tries to assimilate the position I'm in or bothers to try and understand what i'm going through. Everyone just assumes that I can simply handle it and just forget everything the moment my head hits the pillow.
I wish I could though. Y'know? The idea of forgetting everything the moment I go into deep slumber and wake up feeling like yesterday was just a blur. But I can't... Even my dreams take joy in coming to haunt me every single time my eyelids shut.
I don't know why i'm even bothering anymore. I'm just going though the motion and I think I just need rest... Good peoper rest and perhaps an answer to this deep troubling feeling I constantly face.
Unfortunately, it's too early for me to die so I'll continue to try my best in getting used to the fact that my best will never be good enough for those around me and the bonus will be for me to not care if people don't actually acknowledge my existence or my hard work.
That is the truth and that is the harsh reality that only I alone can undergo. If i'm such and easily replaced individual in people's life, then no one deserves a fraction of love from me. Get it from someone else and not me because soon enough I'll get used to being seconded and you'll realise it, just as much as I do, that....
Perhaps you don't need me in your life.
I shall engrave my emotions beneath the ground I stand upon, where my footsteps tell of a journey of hardship and pain.
Despite this lonesome journey I choose to tread, I know I will not falter and I will find true joy in myself eventually.
Slowly but surely.