Monday, 28 January 2013

Change.

I think the term "people change" gives us that slight hope that perhaps the problem with change doesn't necessarily lie with us. It gives us that fasle sense of security that the issue of people moving in and out of our lives are solely dependent on them changing and simply not us. Let me try to expand my heavily .zip brain to better break it down for you.

The past few days have been nothing short of amazing. I've played for my first two gigs ever, one for NPSU's first ever concert (STAGED - The World in 150) and the other for NOISE Singapore's Pop Up Booth (where I had a full 30 minute set to myself). It's been enjoyable experience for me and pursuing music has always been a dream of mine that i've always been afraid to tell the world about so a little support from my friends has always been a huge encouragement to me.

Nonetheless, the past few days have caused me to start reflecting on many things in my life. If I could sum it all up, it would have to be - CHANGE.

In my time of rushing all over Singapore, so as to ensure that I am keeping up to date with my assignments as well as adequate practice time for my gigs, I came across many places that rigged fond memories of my past.

Places like Aloha Changi, where I acted with the cast of CLICK and also where I had my first ever chalet with my secondary school friends, to the familiar sight of the void deck I used to hang out at with the girl I used to be head over heels for. Even to the school that I was initially supposed to enroll into for my tertiary education but ended up having their offer turned down.

These memories really got me wondering what really happened to the past. The old me and the new me. You see the crazy thing about me is that I don't just remember the past like pictures, instead I visualise them all out and the whole scene plays back again in my head. It brings out more and more of the past as I start to recollect the thoughts I had when I was there at that point in time, the people that concerned me most and who made the biggest impact on me. That was when I realised how much change has happened in my life.

The people I used to be so close to back then are now simply memories of the past. It really got me wondering when will these friends that I have now become yet another imprint of my life's footsteps.

To draw everything together, the two gigs made me think about my friends that I had back then and the friends I have now. What is the deciding factor that leads you to choose whether or not a person should stay in your life and when he/she should be led to walk out of your life?

When I stood upon that performance stage today, I sincerely wished that I would have seen more familiar faces amongst the crowd. Instead, I was greeted with the faces of only 4 familiar people, whom I wasn't even close to in the first place. They came all the way down just to support me and stand amongst the crowd. It was disappointing, discouraging and even heart aching to see that my friends that I thought would be there for me, didn't actually care.

There was no "all the best for your gig" or any "Don't worry you'll do fine" before both shows.  No "well done!" or "you did great" from the people whom I thought would actually go out of their way for me.

I wonder if all the time whereby I spent with you guys was actually worth it. 

Maybe the term "people change" is accurate but is based on perspectives. Perhaps the change doesn't lie with others but lies with me, and perhaps I was simply asking too much of you to be supportive. Maybe that sudden need and desire to have y'all here with me was too big a change for all of you to handle and maybe the problem lies with me.

So after much reflection, I finally reach the ultimatum.

"Should I stay or should I go?"

Whatever the decision may be, hopefully the next time round when places and certain things trigger memories once again, I can look back and say that i'm still same as I was yesterday, today and tomorrow.




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