Monday, 26 November 2012

Crumble.

Whenever I can't seem to say things out right, I just turn to my blog to talk about it. It's this subtle comfort that comes with writing your thoughts down and knowing that only the closest of friends you have will actually read it.

I can't seem to reason out with myself as to why i'm feeling this way. It's like everything that we've worked so hard for is just crumbling down upon me. I have two options: Run and escape or just crumble along with it.

I'm not angry nor am I sad. Instead, i'm confused and I just need someone to tell me that things are going to be okay even when I know it's not. It's exhaustion, I guess and I hope. Eventually, all will be well again and I won't be blogging like an overly emotional person cause I hate to pass myself off like that. I just need to talk about it and take the load off my shoulders for a moment, maybe two.

Every single day I wake and wonder to myself why am I doing this for and pushing myself this far. Trying to be a good singer, a good dancer, a good student, a good son, a good Christian. You call me an over-achiever but my personal take is that i'm just a timid man who likes to hide behind the strong man I make myself out to be. I am just like the man in my song, "Around The World in 120" who wants to conquer the world in 120 mins, knowing full well that i'll not make it but i'll keep trying so that I have something to hide my weakness behind. This has to stop. I need to start picking myself up and to start realising that I should not live my life for others but for myself and for God above. It's not about being the jack of all trades, it's about being happy.

Ever so recently, my oldest brother sat me down and it wasn't the nicest conversations of me to hear because in less than 5 minutes, I realised how small; how weak; how tiny I was. Just another guy with no aim in life drifting in a little box, lost at sea. Thinking that I have it all but only to have a person ask me the question I dread hearing the most, "What is your purpose in life? What do you want to achieve from it?"
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.
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I don't know.

And until I am able to answer that question for myself, I think I'll continue to be a very sorrowful and distasteful man. I'm just physically tired and everything else is just coming to me and slapping me across the face with truths that I cannot deny. I'm just tired but it's through this period that I see who I really am on the inside. I am so out of place.

Stay strong and learn.
Stay strong to fight.
Stay strong for you are loved.
Stay strong for you're made up of so much more.

I must stay strong.

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