Wednesday, 31 August 2011

30 August 2011 11:12PM - I didn't forget.

30August2011 11:12pm

Dear Irwin (the real you) and not Zeph (the facade you hide behind).

I know its been months since you really had the time to sit down and think about it and obviously the natural tendency would be to think about it when something significant is coming. Today would have marked the 3rd year. Would have... Why are you still harping on this Irwin? Has it ever occurred that you wanted it all? Why then are you still hurt so badly.

Irwin, here you are acting all strong and stuff. Intending to hide yourself from reality, the pain that you harboured. Don't you know it will finally get back at you? Are you stupid? Face it! Man up! Cause...  cause.. that's all you can do now. Cause it's just a little too late to feel hurt. A little too late to look into the past. You've chosen a route that you can never retrace. The path that you walk vanishes behind every footstep. Forward is all you can do. Stop asking "what if.." and "is it still possible..", you know you would end up hurting her and hurting yourself.

Here you acted like you had the strength to stand up on your own two feet like you used to but knowing full well that one day, you would fall back on all fours. Crawling and looking for that tinge of hope. They say that amongst every dark cloud has a silver lining. But my world is black and  cant see any silver lining let alone the floor infront of me. You reach out my hands and try to feel your way through this darkness but you stumble over memories and hurt and hurt and hurt. Such is the enigma of love... we define it as a person and not by the people around us.

Well it's too late to start again.. no matter how many times you get hurt in the dark, no matter how many times you can't see the front. Remember this and remember this well.. at least God still loves you and that itself should be sufficient for you to carry on. Yes, you miss her. Yes, it's over. Yes, it WAS SPECIAL.

But..
it cant be helped now can it?

So Irwin, i hope you learn. You learn to trust in the Lord. Though the path you took is uncertain, He still has a plan for you. You will learn from the trial God puts you through and He will deliver you from your pain and suffering. That even if you had to crawl through the race of life all the way, He will be waiting at the finish line.

Yes pain there will be, Dear Lord, please comfort me.

3years ago, on this very day, at 11:12pm.
i met my first love.

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