Monday, 14 September 2015

Days to Remember

Last weekend was amazing. On usual days, you'll seldom see me blog about life simply because there's nothing worth mentioning nor remembering. However, in recent days, I've found that God has been gracious and has blessed me with new life experiences but... I digress. So back to what went down the past weekend. Allow me to break it up in stages:

Prior to the weekend, it is a requirement for you to know that I had booked in on the previous Saturday night and was busied with work all the way up until I actually booked out. So believe me when I say that I was dead tired and on the brink of just blacking out. Late nights doing up paper work and non-stop duties, I honestly have no idea how I managed to get through that without crumpling up into a ball of paper and throwing myself down a rubbish chute.

But... that's not the point. See, on Thursday night, when I booked out (as the last person in the company might I add), I took a cab down to meet Krys, Boon, Bev, Luke and Sherry over at OC's 49Seats. A bit of drama here and there but all was good cause I finally got to see Krys after a really exhausting week. Food was great (and I was famished), so having devoured my lovely fish platter that was complimented with some sort of fancy EXPENSIVE sauce (that really was just clam chowder LOL) we finally decided, after a million years, to head on down to Thomson area for Waffles from Udders.

The rest of the night was just spent talking about army and catching up with one another. I'm glad that I got the chance to meet this bunch of friends thanks to Krys. They're a real fun bunch. (:

So with my pay just in, I legit felt like the richest guy in Singapore. Krys and I went out in attempt to search for the ideal dress for her birthday party but alas to no avail. I, on the other hand, ended getting heaps of clothes cause so many things were no sale. (': In my defence, I was also looking for something to get so that I'd look neat during Krys' birthday *nods*.

Originally, the plan for the day was to first head over to Dhoby area so that I could purchase a table mic stand for Shawn. Apparently, the stand that he lent to me broke while it was in my possession so it would have been a total dick move to have had just returned it back to him in its pathetic state. As valiant as I wanted to be, even the fiercest of shopping knights cannot fight the evil of public holidays and as such every damn music store was closed. We then bailed from Peace Centre and headed back to Cathay. My first purchase of the day was a spanking new white shirt from Adidas that was going only for 30 odd. Yay! Just what I needed! Another white shirt. (((':

We then walked our way to Orchard under the heat because Krys was surprisingly hardworking that day (pls dont kill me beb). We then went through Zara, TopMan, Uniqlo etc but she didn't really see anything else other than a... white shirt. (':

I am definitely in no position to comment about her purchase, of course.

Went over to TopMan and TopShop where I got myself a nice grey work pants at 13 bucks, a black shit for 30 and another smexy white shirt for 9. Good buys but still nothing for m'lady. Even A&F didn't have anything good. It's like the whole Orchard was out of nice dresses forcing even Nicki Minaj to ask her home girl, Miley.

Jokes aside, I had to rush off for dinner at home to celebrate my parent's anniversary that so happens to fall on the same date as Krys' birthday. I just found out that my parent's married real young. Dad was 23 and Mom, 21. How even? I'm turning 21 and I still don't know how to operate the washing machine let alone get ready to raise a family. (': But I love my parents and I hope they're proud me every time they talk about me or think about me.

OH LOL before I got home, I managed to get a nice blue stripped shirt that I remember Krys saying looked good and also got a navy blue shorts to wear for her party. Her theme was "Stars" and the colour theme was supposed to a dark sort of blue to represent he night sky.

After dinner, I packed my stuff and got ready to meet Krys again to help her with her cards. You know how people go to parties to give gifts to the birthday girl? Yea Krys actually returns the favour and wrote a hand written note for everyone who was going. Sigh <3

So! Being the peasant to her royalty, I tagged along with her and we ventured to our favourite hangout - Starbucks. We made our little home at the outlet in Novena and huddled in for the night filled with card making. So while Krys busies herself with the more artistic side of the card making, I do my best to assist her in the things of my level of artistic handicraft capability like cutting and sticking stuff together. The struggle... was so real. Though it was a great time for to really to see Krys pouring her heart out for the people she loved as she made each card with tender loving care. It's times like these that I remember why I was so attracted to her in the first place.

So as the clock got closer to 12, Krys was almost close to ded from the fatigue. So at 11:56pm, I decided to head down to get her an oreo cheese cake with self made candles (cause I was feeling so artistic that night right?) which was basically a straw cut into two long ones and one short to represent her turning 21.

So at 12, I surprised her royalty with the small cake and self improvised candles, and got the chance to be the first person to wish her. (: Heehee.

Once it hit 1, we were asked by the crew at Starbucks to vacate the second level so we then made out second little home at the tables outside of the air conditioned area. While she worked at her cards, I took out my guitar and sang for her. We then ended the night once it was around 2.30am and both of us were basically ready to knock out any time.

Got home, talked to one another and finally slept. Fast forward to when we awoke.

I started my day

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Life as an Officer Cadet thus far

Back in the OCS common leadership term and service term, I would like admit that I had it easy on me because I was always working with a section and a platoon of like-minded people. It was easy to click with them and the journey to get better was never ending because these people were always constantly pushing one another and striving toward greater heights. I was motivated and I was always giving my best for these people because some part of me knew that they wouldn’t let me down and that if I fell, they would catch me and push me back up. However, coming to professional term in Armour, I guess that drive to strive was slowly dissipating in my life.

I was initially really excited about becoming a Tankee and I still am because I want to become a good Officer who knows how to take care of his men. However, during these past few weeks, it’s been hard to keep sight of that desire. I’m always constantly worrying about my crew and also how I am not doing as well as I used to back in the previous two terms. I always thought that when the instructors said that it was going to be tough, I would be able to push on through with relative ease but circumstances change and the ideal state that I was once in is no longer there anymore.

That being said, I’m not giving up and I have no room to entertain such a thought. I’ve come so far and I have a long of list of people that I know are rooting for me back at home and who are my inspiration as to why I book in every week to do my best. I know that if I gave up now and decided to settle for the bare minimal and to just skim by my course, I wouldn’t be doing them justice and more importantly, I wouldn’t be happy with myself. I want this course to change me and I believe that change can only come through tough times. I know that if I persevere and push through, I will get better and although this road that I am currently on may be slightly more uneven and longer, the journey, upon looking back, will be sweeter.

Indeed for me, at this stage, I have made the best decision to embark on this journey to become an Officer for my country and there is no turning back.

My attitude has changed only because all these while I have always placed an emphasis and confidence in my external factors. However, I have come to realise that the most important factor that allows for consistency in one’s life is none other than you, yourself. I believe that if I push on through and if I tell myself that I can do it, then there is no obstacle too high for me to clear because whatever happens, I will find a way.

I have close to four months left and I have already made the decision to start off well, to end it well is also completely up to me. I know that tough times lie ahead but tough times don’t last, tough people do. Right from the onset, I have made myself a promise that when I commission I want to be able to take care of my men and to lead them well. If I can’t even push through this four months and commission as a confident and capable leader then how am I going to do that for them.

As the late Mr. Lee said:

“Could I have lived my life differently?  May be yes.  But probably not.  At each stage, I made what was then the best choice.  Having taken that decision, I changed direction and there was no turning back."

Indeed for me, at this stage, I have made the best decision in becoming an officer for my country and there is no turning back.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Through Another Lens.

The biggest problem with most of us is that we don't know how to be appreciative over what we have. I am still a firm believer that humans will never truly know what we have until it's gone from us and perhaps that's why sometimes, I just feel like giving up everything I've worked so hard for so that people will be able to see what it would be like without me.

It's one thing for people to choose not to compliment you for your hard work and then it's another for people to just disregard it's existence.

So you ask, "What's been going on with your life?"
-- Disappointment.

And before you jump the gun, no it isn't disappointment in those around me but in myself because lately i've been feeling that whatever I've been doing for others is never good enough. I'm disappointed not because I feel like I didn't do my best (because I did). Instead, disappointed that i'm stupid enough to let myself feel like this.

Sadly, as much as I like to try to psycho myself into not giving a shit about what others think, it's really really really not working out for me. I'm already so physically drained out because of dance and now as I sit here pouring out my feelings, I can't help but fight back these tears because I really feel that I'm honestly at the last stage of what I can do and offer. I'm unafraid to confess that I am at my peak.

I'm tired of trying so hard just to find myself back at ground zero.

Truth is, everyone's a critic yet no one ever tries to assimilate the position I'm in or bothers to try and understand what i'm going through. Everyone just assumes that I can simply handle it and just forget everything the moment my head hits the pillow.

I wish I could though. Y'know? The idea of forgetting everything the moment I go into deep slumber and wake up feeling like yesterday was just a blur. But I can't... Even my dreams take joy in coming to haunt me every single time my eyelids shut.

I don't know why i'm even bothering anymore. I'm just going though the motion and I think I just need rest... Good peoper rest and perhaps an answer to this deep troubling feeling I constantly face.

Unfortunately, it's too early for me to die so I'll continue to try my best in getting used to the fact that my best will never be good enough for those around me and the bonus will be for me to not care if people don't actually acknowledge my existence or my hard work.

That is the truth and that is the harsh reality that only I alone can undergo. If i'm such and easily replaced individual in people's life, then no one deserves a fraction of love from me. Get it from someone else and not me because soon enough I'll get used to being seconded and you'll realise it, just as much as I do, that....

Perhaps you don't need me in your life.

I shall engrave my emotions beneath the ground I stand upon, where my footsteps tell of a journey of hardship and pain. 
Despite this lonesome journey I choose to tread, I know I will not falter and  I will find true joy in myself eventually. 
Slowly but surely.

Monday, 19 August 2013

Don't Give Up On Your Dreams.

PHOTO CREDIT: Isaac Tan (my brother)

Today could possibly be the last time I would ever have the chance to step onto the Esplanade stage to perform. No it's not because i'm giving up music but because the chance to step on that stage was something that might possibly happen only once or twice in a lifetime.

I just finished my last performance for NOISE SG's Music Mentorship Programme, which I was mentee under Big Boss Don Richmond and co-mentee with the amazing Samantha Rui. As I sang my last note on stage before ending off my entire set, there was a sudden feeling of thankfulness that rushed through me.

Let's go on to talk about my life as a musician. I started singing when I was in Secondary 3, that's about 4 years ago. It was a rocky road when I started because I had all the wrong ideas of a good musician. I thought that a good musician was just someone who could sing really well. Turns out I was wrong when I started music for real after my 6-8 months of hiatus in 2012. As some of you who have been following me on this journey would know, I stopped music because I felt like I wasn't doing music right and that I was only in it for the popularity. However, I have to come to terms and admit that the real reason as to why it sparked off, was due to my own inferiority complex.

I saw my other aspiring musician friends starting to get gigs outside and I just felt like all of them were rising up... without me. Granted, I was glad for them, but it turns out that the higher they rose, the further we were from one another. Even recounting this whole experience makes me sad because I didn't like to see the people who were my motivation, slowly leave one by one as I lay stuck at ground-zero. THIS was one of the main contributing factors that made me stop music in the first place but to think in retrospect, it was one of the most amazing things to have had happen to me.

Soon after, I started to question why I was doing music. You see, I felt that by doing music I would be able to achieve a certain standard of popularity in school and elsewhere. This was the exact same reason why I could not suck it up when I found that my friends were much better than I was cause I wanted to be the best. However, it was because I failed to realise that it wasn't just because I lacked in talent but it was because I was forcing music that resulted in me sucking so badly in it. Most of my covers made back then were done just so that I could send it out into the social media and to see how far it could get me in terms of its likes and shares.

Disgusting, I know and oh so foolish.

In addition to that, there were, of course, the people who told me to give up on this dream and that I wasn't good enough and i'll be honest that there were days in which I really felt like this dream to pursue music was just a figment of my childish imagination that one day I could possibly stand on a big stage and play for people.

I didn't give up though because I didn't want to and because I remember that I fell in love with music for a totally different reason altogether. It wasn't about the fame, it was the passion. I then picked up my bags and started to trudging on forward. I didn't know where I was going but as long as I was moving again. So where did that decision take me?

The road to recovery for me as a musician.

It was during this period of discovery that I started to sing in private and was blessed to have met other aspiring musician friends along the way that I'm really thankful for. Most of this people are the second generation of YouTubers that have rose up to the stage along with me (that being said, I'm not implying that i'm not thankful for the first generation that I started music with because they were and still are the people who inspire me to do music).

I started to find that making music was fun again! It wasn't a chore for me anymore and I didn't feel it a need to upload a cover once every two weeks. It was when I started to have fun that the doors started opening for me.

So as I stood upon that stage for my second time this year, (the first during YFEST), I was just thankful for all the opportunities that have been granted to me and as I finished my set, I remembered each and everyone of you who have made it possible for me and who have encouraged me to continue trudging on this journey.

I love all of you very much and I'm thankful in more ways than you will ever know.

Before I end this post, I just wanted to share the one thing that I mentioned to the crowd as I introduced one of my originals - The World in 150. This song was written about my life as a musician and how I was under constant pressure and fire from friends and enemies about my aspirations to start music. And even though many of you might not be musicians, the one thing that we all have in common is the fact that we have dreams.

So this was what I shared and I hope that you will be inspired from it as well:

"There will always be people who will tell you to give up but you should never give up on your dreams because dreams have the power to take you places... and my dream brought me here today."

Thank you for always believing in me.
- Irwin Zephyr

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Don't Give Up

I've never been more afraid in my life. Recently, I've been starting to feel the sudden urge to work really hard, to coop myself up at home and to work hard so that I can ace this year.

This feeling just got ignited again yesterday when I saw my result for my law module. 24/50 for my reflection journal and I worked so hard at it. Shit. I hate myself for being such a failure and honestly, I want to be able to do well but I hate not having a life.

Sucks cause I just want to lay back on my talents and work at them. I mean who wouldn't want to be a dancer/singer for their life career. Sheesh but that's near impossible.

Anyway, I'm not giving up now. I'm going to work 101% on everything in front of me even if it means that I have to die in the process.

Eyes on me.

Watch me fly again.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Decisions and What-ifs

In life, we are constantly told to look forward to what life has to offer in the future. But you know what? I'm sick and tired of that nonsense.

How is it possible for you to look forward if you don't even look at where you're at right now? Do you mean to say that the shit in your life right now is going to *magically* disappear and BAM! you're in the future. Ten years has passed, no exams to take, no sufferings, no tragedies etc. If that's so, sign me up for this fantastic jump cut.

You get where i'm going...

What is the point of looking forward to life if we can't accept the current situations we are in. We get so delusional with the future that sometimes it seems like we're putting blind faith in this whole "look forward" thing. That our problems will just turn to dust.

No i'm not saying that looking forward isn't bad... but being delusional is.


Gah! All these mindless rage. I'm getting nowhere and I'm sorry you had to read that.
This post/sharing is more of a venting post cause my mind's all over the place. Hopefully some of the sharings/points resonate to you as well.

The reason why i'm writing this ways is cause I feel that life has been very mean to me lately. Problems after problems and worse still, sometimes they stack upon one another. Who am I? I'm not Superman, I'm not Bruce Wayne. Hell, i'm just a mere human that lives an every day life just like you. However, sometimes I just don't understand the problems that I have to go through and the decisions that I have to make.

I feel alone because the people whom I thought could understand my situations, never did... Never tried, really.

It feels like the weight of the world increases with every step that I take and that one day the world is gonna come crashing down on me.

To be honest, all that i'm asking for... is some support and love.

I get it. I can't do everything in the world and love; that I have to prioritise what is important in my life but can't you see? Can't you see that each decision I make carries such a heavy consequence that makes it difficult for me to make the decision cause I know one party is gonna be hurt.

Dance or Music?
Arts or Grades?
My Love For the Arts or Society's Demands?

What say you? Conform and be loved, but hate what you're doing? Or dare to be different, love what you're doing, but disappoint those around you.

Frankly speaking, it's not the decision that hurts the most. It's the process.

You go about a long ass journey just to get to that decision but the people around you can't see what goes through your mind. They can't see the pain and suffering that you had to go through to come about that decision. They can't see the things you had to consider and all those elaborate mindmaps in your head, which shows you how one action leads to another.

"Talk to us about it. Help us to understand what you're going through", says the world.

"But are you even willing to listen and to help? Or are you simply just finding a way to counter my argument so that you can say that I am wrong and that you're right?"

Even as I end this post very abruptly, I still do not know the answer. I wish I did cause life would be so much easier.

Should I trust in the future and what life has to offer? Or be constantly worried about the next step that I take. Should I do what I love? Or not.

Actually, it's pretty easy to look into the future if you're someone going to succumb to society's pressure and be just like anybody else. Live the office life, 9-5 everyday. Have a wife, a kid, a house and a car but secretly sort of hate your life (well some parts of it), and you're constantly asking yourself the 'What-ifs'. Honestly, if you want that kind of life then that's good, cause you're just gonna be society's next robot with that one mission - Live and Die.

I don't want to be a robot yet I don't want to disappoint others around when I make that decision to be different.

I hate these kinds of posts. I end up feeling really tired and shitty.

Thanks for listening anyways.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

10 Signs That Indicate To You, She’s The One.

1.    You don't have try to be someone else in order to catch her eye before she falls in love you. She loves you the way you are and to her, your imperfections make you who you. She doesn't need/want you to change because to her, you’re perfect.

2.    She understands that the love between the two of you is not in relation to how close you are when you're out with her, or the number of times you meet up with her in a given week. It's about the care and concern you give to her in private and she understands that your love can be shown to her in different ways. That being said, you obviously have to be the kind of guy who obviously puts her as first and not your other lame excuses.

3.    When she has a problem with you, she talks to you about it and doesn't hide it from you. She has your best intentions at heart and she wants to help in your journey to become a better person even if it means putting her heart on the line for you to beat at when you get angry after hearing it from her mouth.

4.    She trusts that even when you're not by her side, you're not cheating on her with another girl. She accepts the fact that sometimes you can be a bit busy with other commitments but she trusts that you still love and think about her even when you’re not there beside her. Don't break that trust.

5.    Forgiveness comes naturally. Even if it's your fault, she loves you enough to forgive you even when you don't deserve that grace. Of course, guys ought to know when they’re in the wrong and make sure he makes it up to the girls cause ladies have their pride too.

6.    She sees no qualms in taking the initiative. There is no "you should text me first" rule or "ask me out or i'm not going anywhere” rule. She believes that showing love is not exclusively a guys job.

7.    She goes the extra mile for you so that you are reminded that she loves you. She does little things that hold special meaning to the two of you so as to reassure you that she thinks about you. For instance, a short note to brighten your day or a lunchbox with your favourite snack.

8.    While she puts you before herself, she also still sees the need to take care of herself. She understands that her welfare is in direct relation to your welfare because you are a part of her just as much as she is a part of you.

9.    She looks forward to time spent with you. As long as you're with her, she's contented. She doesn't need anything more than that and doesn’t demand money or riches or to be pampered. The only thing she expects is for you to remind her how she’s yours and why she had chosen you.

10. Finally, she can only be the ONE if YOU can prove to her that you are a trustworthy man. A woman does not need an indecisive man in her life. She does not need a man who cannot make the decision as to whether he can be committed to her. She absolutely DOES NOT need a passerby in her life nor does she want to be a subject of your "cheap company". She can only be the one if you can promise that she is and will always stay the one and ONLY one. Just like how you don't want to led on, neither does she.